I am getting stronger.

I’m writing this from my bed,  at 12.17am as I’ve just had a very upsetting yet…bugger, I can’t think of the word…like an epic moment of realisation… What’s the word? Epiphany? Enlightening? I’m going with enlightening…a very upsetting but enlightening experience.

I’m not going to go into detail about it, but needless to say it left me in tears. Not just little, cute running down the cheeks tears, but rivers of snot, huge gut wrenching sobs, need some hardcore Bounty to mop up this shit tears.

Now this experience has made me realise just how much ignorance and perhaps misunderstanding there is about depression, and associated mental health problems. I’m ‘drama’.

I am, at this point, living moment to moment, unable to make plans to do much as I can’t tell how I will be feeling from one minute to the next. Yesterday I woke up and cried for 2 hours.  It’s not drama, it’s a fact of my condition,  I don’t think I’m alone in this aspect of my depression. In fact,  I know this is a common symptom. It’s not a ‘problem’ for anyone other than me,  that has to deal with feeling on top of the world one minute, then crashing the next. I try not to put it on other people, but I have learned that having a strong support network around me really helps. I dont need people to make me feel like a burden or a problem. Sometimes I just need someone to pour my heart out to and listen in a non judgemental way, that’s pretty simple, and not asking the world, is it?

I have been left pretty shellshocked by this ecperience tonight,  but it has made me realise how misunderstood and ignored depression is.

When things are bad, judgement may be off, memory can be affected,  and dealing with a tidal wave of emotions can make it difficult to interact with people as you would ‘normally’ (I say ‘normal’as I don’t really use the term normal to refer to myself,  nor is living with depression a normal thing). This can be misconstrued as being overly dramatic, nasty, or a problem (incidentally all things I have been called in the last week).

It’s about being there for people when they need you. Asking if they are ok and just letting them know you are there for them. I’ve had more support from people I haven’t seen in years than from the person I’ve dealt with tonight,  who lives in the same city as me. And its disappointing, utterly,  utterly disappointing to realise that someone you respect can be so horrid because they can’t understand what is going on.

Well it’s made me realise a few things.

Firstly,  my happiness is more important than anything else,  and if that means cutting ties with people that will not be there for you when you need them, so be it. It’s upsetting to have to do, especially if you feel close to them,  but if things are to get better, perhaps it’s something that needs to be done. 

Second,  this is the first time that anyone has really made me realise just how ignorant people can be when it comes to people living with mental health issues. It isn’t just something you can get over in a few days, or even months at times.  It isn’t attention seeking, or being dramatic. It’s fucking hard work dealing with this shit on a daily basis, and they think they have problems because sometimes you’re ‘not the happy person you usually are’?!

It was the fact that someone I regarded as a friend could be so downright nasty to me because I am unable to plan things as I don’t know if tomorrow will be a good day or a bad day that snapped me out of my hysterical crying. I made myself a promise; I will make sure that anyone who is ever nadty to me as a result of my condition will only serve to make me stronger.

It’s definitely a very sad thing to have lost this person, but I need to be happy, and treating me badly will not make me happy.

I know I am none of the things I have been called, it’s a result, perhaps of their own insecurites, and certainly partly to do with a huge lack of understanding about certain conditions.
So to everyone struggling, be awesome, be strong, and above all, dont let the bastards get you down. I’m always here if you need to vent or let out some emotions, I would definitely love to hear if you are having a good day (follow me on Twitter @Widdles1) and people, keep up the good fight. Hopefully one day we won’t have to deal with the ignorant bastards any more!

Love to you all xxx

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