Funeral

My parents split up when I was 3 years old.  I remember nothing of them being together, and certainly nothing about the nightmares I suffered for a year afterwards.

My father remarried when I was 6.

He had 3 children with my step mother.

For a long time, I found it difficult to deal with my dad’s ‘new’ family.  I saw his wife as the woman that had taken my father away from me.  I think there were times that I wasn’t very nice to her, and certainly there was a lot of resentment towards my father for leaving me.  I did make my peace with his wife at a family get together we had some time ago.  None of what happened was her fault, and I realised that.

My father & I have always had an odd relationship, which has caused me a lot of heartache over the years, but I came to accept the fact that he had other stuff going on with his family, and I wasn’t necessarily at the front of his mind.

On 29th July, my dad got in touch with me to tell me his wife had passed away very suddenly.  A huge shock, and something that shocked me even more was how upset I was.  That may sound terrible, but it’s difficult to explain.  This was someone that had been in my life for almost 30 years as my fathers wife, we were not close, but she’d always been there.

Her funeral was last Monday.  I had to travel from Worcester to Preston to be with my family.  

I had a lot going through my mind – I haven’t seen my half brothers & sister for years, we haven’t spoken for a long time.  Not for any other reason than life has this funny habit of getting in the way.  I’d not seen my father since around Christmas.  I didn’t know what to expect.  I was very worried about them all.  I was worried that they may not want me there as I am not part of ‘their’ family.  I was worried how I would cope.  I was worried what other family members I may see.

I still haven’t figured everything out. 

The funeral was as good as funerals get.  I learned more about her short illness, and it brought back very painful memories of Tim & Sarah.  

My father was putting on a brave face, but I didn’t know how to deal with his emotions.  This is in essence someone I don’t know.  Friends, and mums side of the family I can deal with, but how do you offer comfort to someone who there has always been a huge distance between?

I am still exceptionally upset.  I’m still very worried about my father and my half bothers & sister. They were amazing.  Such strong, dignified young people, and they coped amazingly well.  Talking to the eldest, he said it’s still not sunk in yet. I know only too well that it will.  I just hope I can be there when it does hit.

I’m nowhere near close to figuring this stuff out yet, it’s constantly on my mind.  I think the fact that it was painfully close to what happened to two of my dearest friends has opened old wounds which aren’t themselves healed has made it extra hard.  It’s a lot to deal with.

I hope that my family know that I’m here for them whenever they need me, and I hope that we do stay in touch now.  

To my step mother, I shall raise a glass.  She would be so proud of you guys.

This is why I needed some comfort.

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