I was awake last night and browsing Facebook when I found out about Robin Williams’ death from apparent suicide.
I have been thinking quite a lot recently about how some of the funniest people we know suffer from depression. Depression is merciless.
Hearing about Mr Williams’ death really hit home for me. It seems utterly unfair that once again, depression has stolen someone away.
I am no stranger to suicidal thoughts, it’s a terrifying place to be. Everything is overshadowed by these thoughts. It seems so easy and the logical solution when you have a constant monologue going through your head about how shit and worthless you are.
This event seems to have really triggered something, aside from the outpouring of grief and well wishing for the family. It seems to have created some awareness. I’m not sure why it’s taken this for that to be the case, but it’s happened. After all, he’s not the first person to have committed suicide. Perhaps it’s the fact that he was a larger than life, funny man. And funny people are happy all the time, aren’t they? Nothing can affect them.
Well I’m afraid that is not the case. A lot of the people I know are some of the seeming happiest and funniest I know. You have to put on a brave face. What’s the alternative? I’ve had people say to me before ‘but you’re so happy all the time’. Actually shocked that I have this thing. It’s amazing. It’s the mask you learn to wear.
To feel so utterly alone that taking you own life is the only answer is a feeling I have experienced. Just recently I was told to fuck off by someone. It’s hard. I do blog here as a form of therapy, and getting this stuff out of me, but generally people don’t know the half of it. The evenings I spend sitting here crying, the thoughts about how crap I am, how utterly worthless I am. People don’t know about that stuff.
I have no motivational stuff to say today, I’m in a pretty bad place myself at the moment with the events of the past few weeks, but I would urge people to seek help. Scream and yell until someone listens. It shouldn’t have to be that way, but unfortunately it can be. Get that help, whatever that may be.
‘Depression is the worst fucking opponent in the hardest fucking fight you can possibly imagine. Depression cheats.’
Farewell Robin, you were loved and will be missed. Lets hope that this will actually help some people and raise much needed awareness of this terrible illness. A hug isn’t that much to ask for when your other option is this.