Dark days

It’s funny how we just manage to keep chugging along isn’t it?

I’ve been sitting here thinking about the past few weeks, and quite honestly I’m surprised I’ve managed as well as I have.  And that’s really saying something.

That’s not to say that it’s been easy.  It certainly hasn’t.  And by no means am I over it yet.  I still can’t even say with honesty that I’m getting there.

I feel very alone.  My confidence has really been knocked, and the feelings of failure and worthlessness are overwhelming.  There are days that I can’t even manage to get myself out of bed, let alone pretend I’m a functioning human being.  Yesterday I had a good cry, for a lot of the day.  I have lost yet another significant person in my life as a result of this illness.  Perhaps I am a pain in the arse.

I have a lot of things to do – a lot to sort out, but I just can’t face it.  If I manage to get up and shower it’s a good day.  I’d like to run away.

Yesterday when I was uploading dumb videos to YouTube I came across a video I mad as part of a project at university last year.  The words seem even more relevant today.

People do judge you for having a mental illness.  Depression is not something I choose to have, who would choose to live like this? I think that once you say you have this thing, people assume you need something from them.  I don’t need anything from anyone except a little bit of understanding.  And hugs.  Hugs can make even the darkest days a little brighter.

I wish more people understood this.

A simple text to ask how I’m doing makes a difference.  It’s the little things that help.



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2 thoughts on “Dark days

  1. I do understand this. It’s something I have started to try and hide more lately, as I have found, like you mention, that as soon as you share the fact that you have a mental illness with someone, they seem to assume that you’re going to become dependent on them. Which is not the case. I wish people could talk more openly about depression but society makes it hard to. Even in my workplace, I was shocked to hear a comment from someone I would have expected to have an understanding, about how they don’t “understand depression, people should just suck it up and get on with life” etc. And I didn’t tackle this, which I now very much regret.

    • It’s hard when you’re going through a rough patch to stick up for yourself. I do usually but something shitty happened the other week and I cowered and let it happen around me. I regret that now, but I also wonder what difference it would have made anyway, which adds to my feeling worthless.

      It’s all very well not understanding mental health problems, but people should make the effort to change that and not be so ignorant about it. Not cool!

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