No part of you is weak

Feeling this today.

I’m getting on with my life. I’m not holding on to bitterness to try and one up anyone. I’m not dwelling on the past, after all, it’s what has made me who I am today. People try to bring me down and say bad things about me – I get on with my life. 

Things are going well, and dare I say, I’m happy, despite the haters.

You are not weak.

4am…

So, it’s 4am, and I’ve not yet slept.  Hurrah for insomnia!

I’m no stranger to this stupid fucked up sleep cycle, I’ve been living with it for years, but I’ll never get over the fact that 4am is so utterly boring!

I’ve been looking at recipes.  Mainly healthy ones.  It can never hurt to try to eat healthier, can it?

I’ve been browsing the Shitty Watercolour Facebook page.

Listened to another episode of Paul Temple.

My brain isn’t ready to switch off.

A million and one things are racing round my head.  I wonder how they all fit in there.

Just had a mug of hot chocolate, but now I feel sick.

I should probably go back to bed as I have important things to do tomorrow.

It’s too late to take a zopiclone, as I won’t be up before lunchtime if I do that now, and if I was to be, I’d have the mother of all hangovers from it.

I kind of hope that spilling here will allow me to get at least a couple of hours sleep.

I wish I could put my finger on one particular thing that’s bothering me right at this moment, but I guess it’s a culmination of things.  So many things in this old brain.

I applied to go back to uni, so I’m on pins and needles waiting to hear about that.  I’d love to be able to finish my Film Studies course, but unfortunately, it’s not as simple as it may seem.

I’m totally lacking motivation to do anything at the moment, so that’s making me feel guilty.  I enjoyed the sun the other day though, and went for a nice walk.  Baby steps.

I wish people would mind their own sodding business, and focus on their own lives rather than trying to ruin other peoples.  Makes me think of the old ‘people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones’.

I’m worried about this whole election business.  Still no one seems to know what Brexit is, and whilst the media are talking about Diane Abbot getting muddled up in an interview, the government are pushing through some very worrying policies that will affect our young people.

One of my cats has been more clingly than usual since she was spayed the other week, and I don’t know if I should be concerned about that or not.

I feel terribly guilty for not making more effort to see people this past goodness knows how many months.  I currently don’t have a car, so I’m feeling somewhat isolated.  I liked being able to just go out for a drive sometimes, particularly if the weather was nice.  Just go and see places.

I don’t have a light summer jacket.  I have cardigans and winter coats, but nothing really in between, so I was thinking of making the ‘bomber jacket’ from Gerties  ‘Gertie Sews Vintage Casual: A Modern Guide to Sportswear Styles of the 1940s and 1950s’ (seriously, something I’ve been thinking about whilst unable to sleep!).

There was something about shoes too, but that’s not in my brain any more.

I worry a lot.  I think too much.

I need to sleep.  It’s now almost 5am.  Fingers crossed for the sandman.

xxx

 

 

 

The Narcissist

Whilst browsing my Facebook this morning, an article about narcissism popped up.

I found this very interesting indeed.

I have dated a narcissist, and now I realise the whole time I was embroiled in a mentally abusive relationship.  Each one of the traits accurately describes them.  Things would go wrong, it was always my fault.  I’d try to distance myself, but they wouldn’t allow it.  It was ok for them to make fun of me, but god forbid the joke be on them.

But lets not forget here, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental illness in itself.

The Mayo Clinic describes Narcissistic Personality Disorder as –

If you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may feel a sense of entitlement — and when you don’t receive special treatment, you may become impatient or angry. You may insist on having “the best” of everything — for instance, the best car, athletic club or medical care.

At the same time, you have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation. To feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make yourself appear superior. Or you may feel depressed and moody because you fall short of perfection.

I could always see the depression in them, but I always felt like I was treading on eggshells.  I had no idea what might set them off, and I altered my behaviour accordingly.  A real sign of an abuser/victim relationship.

Another trait of the narcissist is lack of empathy.  I saw this frequently.  It was ok for them to be self absorbed, but if I needed help, no way!  And that would result in me being put down.

The Mayo Clinic article goes on to describe key features of the disorder;

  • Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
  • Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
  • Exaggerating your achievements and talents
  • Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
  • Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people
  • Requiring constant admiration
  • Having a sense of entitlement
  • Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations
  • Taking advantage of others to get what you want
  • Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
  • Being envious of others and believing others envy you
  • Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner

I find it worrying that almost all of these traits were displayed by the person I was in the relationship with.  I can even go so far as to say I recognise all of these traits in certain people I know.

So should we feel sorry for the narcissist? I mean, after all, it’s a mental illness, right?

The best thing I did was distance myself from this person.  They ‘lovebombed’ me.  They couldn’t be without me.  The missed me.  But ultimately, they had issues they needed to deal with, and I couldn’t put myself through the turmoil, and ultimately detrimental effect this relationship was having on my own mental health.

The narcissist needs help, but as with all mental illnesses, they need to make the decision to get that help themselves.  They can be very damaging for people that come into contact with them, but that doesn’t matter.  As I learned, it is always someone elses fault.

Don’t treat them with kid gloves.  Don’t fall for their demanding and manipulative ways.  Stay strong, and hopefully, at some point, they will realise they need help and seek it out for themselves.

Your health is what matters.

On Hate

It makes me so sad that some people will spend their lives telling others how awful they are, blaming others for everything…

Some people spend too much time on being hateful, but that’s no way to live.

That hatefulness will eat you up.

That makes you an ugly person. 

I’ve been through my fair share of shit, but I have better things to do with my life that trying to ruin others.

I don’t have space in my life for that shit, and as we’ve already figured,  my life isn’t busy or interesting, so how do others find the time to be so bitter?

I’ll never understand why people are so nasty.